Guilty

I've been quiet these past few days. It has been a time of laying low, resting, sleeping. I had a burst of energy on Friday last and cleaned the house again, preparing optimistically for the possibility of more house showings. It wasn't just any type of cleaning either. It was that deep cleaning that requires, among other things, a jar of vinegar and a toothbrush to try to get rid of hard water buildup in the bathrooms and kitchen. I didn't quit until 7:30 that night when freshly cleaned and shiny floors completed my cleaning blitz. I was happy, satisfied and even remarked to Hubby that perhaps this latest sarcoid fog I've been under is lifting. We smiled happily at each other at the promising thought.

Saturday and Sunday were quite different though. Gone was the burst of energy. I was reminded again of the conclusion that I have come to over the years that when in an active sarcoid phase there is a limit to the amount of energy one can "spend" before needing to rest and replenish again. I picture my energy as sitting in two beautiful clay pots resting on an old fashioned weighing scales that demands to be kept balanced all the time. Energy taken out or spent needs to be counterbalanced with restorative practices, sleep, rest, quiet, so that energy can be returned again, thus balancing the pots.

This latest active sarcoid phase has surprised my doctor and I. In March of 2010 I started a new medicine regime that requires IV infusions every 4-6 weeks. It was a bit of a desperate measure at the time and one undertaken after much deliberation and weighing of benefit versus risk on the part of my doctors as this medicine carries some pretty hefty longterm side effects. Overall it has worked marvellously well. It took some time to arrive at the optimal dosage and even though the symptoms never fully abated, I was definitely feeling much better than I had in years. Over Christmas I started to develop more sarcoid symptoms, an irritating dry cough, increased breathlessness, daily low grade fevers, aches, a tiredness that was hard to shake, increased tingling on the left side of my face and fingers and a slight tremor in my hands. I consulted my doctor, an internist in the area that has seen me through a lot of things. We talked about stress and anxiety and the possibility that an increase in both as a result of our upcoming move may be triggering something. "Do you really think that stress is a contributing factor?" I asked him. "Most definitely yes" he replied, "I strongly believe that our emotional, psychological and spiritual health greatly affect how our bodies handle chronic disease." We came up with a plan to bring my next infusion forward by a week and make some other medication adjustments. They haven't worked...at least not yet, but this week I will travel to Denver for the last time to meet with my doctor there and see what she might suggest.

In the meantime I am left with this nagging thought about the interconnectedness of chronic disease and emotional/spiritual health. I have to chase away, once again, the guilty feelings that this is something that I have drawn on myself. Am I not working hard enough at healing any emotional/spiritual issues I may have? I take on massive loads of guilt when I think about the effect this may be having on my family. (It doesn't help when I remember an experience I had with a native Apache seer many years ago, a story that I shall save for another time.) I have been down this slippery slope before. It is a difficult one and to climb up out of it again I need to remind myself about compassion, and compassion for self. I could write so much more about this, but I am tired!

On a bright note though, I did get to go in the recording studio a little this weekend. The band I have played with over the years, Houseblend, wants to lay some tracks down before I leave. We've only been talking about doing this for about five years or so and, as always is the case, it is my pending move that has finally motivated us to actually do it. I'll keep you posted....