Starting Over

I'm still here, honest! There have been various prods for more from me and I have found myself in the conflictual grip of feeling guilty about not writing and then feeling guilty because I am writing, as I am right now, when there are simply so many things that need to get done. I am aware that the predictable, comfortable rhythm of my life has been lost and replaced by a meter that is floundering to find a steady beat....

I have spent the morning trying to figure out our healthcare choices here. Our insurance, while very generous with benefits, is limiting quite a bit the number of choices of physicians we have. I still don't have a doctor. Part of me has been avoiding dealing with this because the thought of starting over again with someone new simply makes me want to cry, quite literally! When you have a chronic disease you see a lot of your doctor and that bond can be quite an intense one. To have to tell my story all over again? Sure, I have a HUGE envelope of medical records from both my primary care doctor and my pulmonologist in Denver, I have CDs and CDs of various imaging studies done over the last several years: x-rays, CT scans, MRIs, but I've been in this long enough to know that as soon as I walk in that door it will be up to me to verbally convince this new physician of the kind of care that I need. And how long will it take he/she to know me, know the type of patient that I am? My doctor in Denver told me that it was so important to find a doctor that wouldn't underreact or overreact to my disease. How long will it take me to trust that I have found that person? How will I know? Today, I am overwhelmed by these questions.

I managed to get MaeMae in to see a doctor this afternoon. She has been tired and under the weather and I found a tick in her scalp not long after she got here. When I called to register her as a new patient and request a general physical to satisfy school requirements I mentioned the tick in passing and they wanted her to come in right away. Really, she has moved across the country, started at a new school, had a nasty upper repiratory virus last week and a tick bite....it could be any number of factors contributing to her symptoms. But it will be good to at least make contact with the children's physician and start building a relationship there.

And at the risk of sounding totally boring, I'm really tired. Disease activity? Life circumstances? Who knows. Honestly, I think you'd be tired too!