Storms...

Little Guy and I took a walk the other day. It had been a hot and humid, sticky day, our Arizona bodies still not quite used to the humidity of the northeast, a thunderstorm brewing in the distance. Still, Little Guy was calling out for some one on one time and Oversized Dog was restless and bouncy. He needed to get out too. "Let's go!" I said "Although, I can't go very far or very fast." "I know Mom. We can just walk down Country Club Drive and back". Country Club is a beautiful little dead-end street perpendicular to our street and literally across the road from our house. It is less than a 1/4 mile long, it's flat at the beginning and then slopes gently downhill. We leashed up Oversized Dog who was now bouncier than ever, sensing a jaunt was in the offing, and off we went, Little Guy releasing all of the chatter he had been saving for this much coveted time alone with mom. We walked down our driveway, crossed the street, paused to wave hello to the neighbors on the corner and set out.

The street was so pretty with cherry, magnolia and apple trees in full and glorious bloom. Massachusetts really knows how to do Spring! We felt a little spattering of rain but neither one of us wanted to turn back. With each step I noticed my breathing getting a little more labored and a irrepresible need to cough every few steps and we were still walking on flat ground. We had just started the downward slope when there was a flash of lightning followed by a deep growl of thunder. Ten years living in the Arizona mountains and enduring summer monsoon thunderstorms had long ago replaced any fear of thunder and lightning with respect. The thunder didn't bother me but Little Guy's hand tightened its hold on mine. "You okay?" I asked. "I don't like it mom." "I know but it's still far away, we'll be fine". We continued our downward trek, I, coughing a little more. Another flash of lightning and roll of thunder. "I want to go back Mom!" "Okay" I said. Our little adventure had lasted all of three minutes.

We reversed our direction and headed towards home, walking gently uphill. But there was more of an urgency in our walking now, the sky was darkening, the upward grade was challenging my breathing. Soon, within seconds in fact, I was out of breath, struggling to find that breath to take us home. Then the coughing started. Not a cough that desires to clear out your lungs but almost like the airways have gone in to spasm and can't stop. I pushed us ahead now, cough, cough, cough, ever more urgent as the rain started to fall and the thunder got ever closer and Little Guy said "I'm scared" I had no breath to reassure him, cough, cough, just a hand hold. Soon we were across the road and walking up our driveway. I was bent over, walking, coughing, I had been here many times before. When this started the only way I could stop it was with my inhaler or nebulizer. Hubby was still at work. it was such a panicky feeling. Cough cough, "I need...cough cough, in hale..cough..inhaler...cough cough...upstairs..." I could only manage one word in between coughs. "Mom, are you okay?" Little Guy asked. "Yes, cough cough, just need..cough inhaler..cough cough cough cough, and..cough cough, I'll be cough cough cough cough ...fine" I was at the top of the stairs now, somehow, throwing things off my nightstand trying to lay hands on that inhaler, the nebulizer would be better but take too long to set up by myself, where is it anyway?. Sweat was pouring out of me now, my lungs burned, my abdominal muscles ached from the effort, so much effort, so exhausting, so much coughing. Inhaler in hand I took the first puff and immediately coughed it back out. That wasn't going to help much I'm sure. I tried again, trying to time it just right between coughs. It took several attempts. I lay on the bed, curled up in fetal position and coughed into the covers. "Should I call Dad?" I heard a little voice ask. "No, cough cough... he's on ..cough... train ...cough cough..., he'll be ...cough cough ...home soon ...cough cough cough cough..." It took so much effort to talk and cough and breathe. Was the medicine going to work this time? It needs about 15-20 minutes to work I reminded myself. Hang in there, you'll be okay, stay calm! "Can I call Dad?" Little Guy asked again. I couldn't answer, all my energy was being absorbed by this incessant coughing...cough cough cough cough cough, into the bed, stay calm, it will pass, the airways will relax, cough cough cough...sweating out my back...cough cough... The room was silent save for my coughing; short, irritating, unproductive coughs that had adopted a rhythmic chant I was desperate to interrupt. The minutes dragged on...And then there were urgent footfalls on the stairs, stairs taken two at a time, the door opened, a hand on my back, soothing, calming, gentle. I couldn't look up, too exhausted, too absorbed in coughing, but I knew it was Hubby, home from work. "I called Dad", Little Guy said. And there they stayed, rubbing my back, rubbing my feet, reassuring me that it would pass, the airways would calm down again, the lungs will relax...and the coughing slowed, the airways gradually gave up their rhythmic pulsing. Spun out I lay there, recovering from the physical effort involved in such an episode, berating myself for thinking I was ready for a walk, mad at my body because I couldn't manage a simple walk with my son. I don't understand what causes these coughing fits, bronchospasms the doctor calls them. Clearly my airways are still inflamed from the illness although the infection has resolved. I don't understand it, all i know is that it's a scary place to be sometimes.

Later that night in the intimacy of the dark and before succumbing to sleep I turned to Hubby, "Was Little Guy scared? Just what did he say on the phone to you anyway?" "Well" Hubby replied, "He said, "Dad, will you make dinner tonight because Mom is coughing on the bed?"".

What can I say, he's a growing boy! I'm just telling it like it is!