Circles, Part 3

Circles, lines, waves,....I see so many of them in my life. Today, I'll have to admit, it is the straight /forward path that has most caught my imagination. It has been only a little more than two months since my family and I moved to Massachusetts from Arizona. I am so amazed at all that we have lived and experienced in those two months. We have travelled far, both literally and figuratively. Niamh has travelled far, both literally and figuratively. Transformation is tangible for both of us. For both of us it has been an extraordinary few months...

Yet it is to the circle that I need to return to now. I need to circle back to some earlier posts of the week of Feb. 27th where I had begun to share some of my experiences living in the southwest and interactions I had with Native people. It was a Native Elder that first told me that I was sick. I wrote those stories as we were journeying across the country. It was a good "in-between" time to reflect back and it has been difficult to find that space here, but I'll try.

Many have asked the question "What happened with the lady in the church?" And the true answer is....nothing else happened! At the time I did not understand her words, I did not know how to interpret them but looking back now I see how sarcoidosis was already manifesting itself in my body. There were the night sweats, weightloss, coughing, difficulty sleeping, swollen lymph nodes, kidney stones, a miscarriage and then the drama of trying to find a diagnosis once doctors took a real look at me and figured out that something was wrong, terribly wrong and my chest x-ray was so alarming. So is this what she saw? Was this the shadow that was looming over me? I don't know and I will never know for she and I didn't speak again for a really long time, years and years in fact. I saw her in church every week but Native people don't look you in the eye, it's part of their culture, and this tribe in particular did not always want to engage with "white folks". So, what happened? I finally was diagnosed and my illness strarted to play itself out and there was no more interaction with the lady in the church...until the week before we left Arizona.

The community now knew that we were leaving. As the music minister there it would have been hard for us to leave without anyone noticing so an announcement was made. As I was leaving the church that sunday the lady was behind me. Aware that my time with her was limited I took a deep breath and decided that I needed to ask her if she remembered our interaction of so many years earlier.

"Do you remember that night?" I asked.

"Yes I do" she replied quietly. "And I remember that you did not know what I was talking about".

"I was diagnosed with an illness shortly after that", I said, willing her to talk more, tell me more.

"I knew you were sick", she said "and I know you have struggled so much. I see it in you. I tell my children sometimes, "you need to pray really hard for that lady because she is struggling so much"".

"Thank you", I said quietly, "I'm doing better now"

Her old brown eyes filled suddenly with tears.

"I'm so sorry" I said "I certainly didn't mean to make you cry."

"It's so hard sometimes" she said, "knowing these things. Father tells me it is a gift but it's so hard for me to see it. There is so much pain, people hurt so much and I look at them and I know that they will be leaving us soon, leaving behind family and loved ones..."

I was confused, just what was she saying to me?

"I'm sorry, I don't understand" I said.

"Your passing, I can see it."

And then it hit me, she was talking about death, my death!

"But you have time" she said. "you will have time to be ready, to have everything in order and everything prepared and you will be ready and accepting when the time comes. It will be very peaceful. I can see that, very peaceful"

And then she hugged me. It was a warm, tight embrace. And then she left...and that was it!

In the following weeks our church community said goodbye to us. The elders prayed over us, the Native people gifted us with a "burden basket", a hand woven basket traditionally used to carry food and supplies but often to be placed at the front door where one may place all one's troubles upon entering and preserve harmony in the home. They blessed us with pollen and "holy" salt from the river. They turned us around in circles, always clockwise "so you will always follow the sun and walk in the light" they said.

The lady's words don't scare me. We are all fragile. Time is ticking by for all of us. "You have time" she said. That could mean anything...She gave me a great gift that day though, a reminder that as we strive to live well we can also die well.

I'll concentrate on the living well and the dying will take care of itself!